Returning Home After Living Abroad: Should I Stay Or Should I Go (Back To My Country)?
Returning home after living abroad may be the hardest decision you’ll ever make in your life.
This article is for long-term expats (a.k.a. foreigners or those living abroad “forever”) who may find it hard to return to their home countries. In modern, uncertain times, the urge to return can be stronger than ever, especially if you want to live closer to your family.
However, returning home from abroad may not be straightforward or easy.
- First, relocating abroad can have an enormous impact on your sense of identity.
- Second, exposure to different cultures, lifestyles, and viewpoints may disrupt your life as you knew it.
- Third, adapting to the new (old) reality can be distressing and even shocking.
Many people who come home after living abroad want to leave again. This is often due to the lack of support needed to overcome reverse culture shock.
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The inability to readapt can make former expats move abroad again or hit the road to travel indefinitely. The price can be high: the feeling of displacement.
This was my experience. After my first year abroad, I came back home to leave again. Then I came back home once more to leave once more. Repeat.
In my early twenties I had already lived in 4 countries: Poland, Germany, England and Scotland. I was living out of a suitcase for over 7 years.
In this post, I’ll tell you what helped me to look for (and find) answers and finally settle down. So should you stay or is it time to go?
Returning expats & reverse culture shock
Living overseas for an extended period of time will certainly change your life and views. On top of that, it can play havoc with your sense of identity, or it can even lead to an identity crisis.
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When I lived in the UK and visited Poland, my home country, I had an impression that I was the odd one among my peers. I had a feeling I didn’t fit in. I had an exciting life in London, lived in shared housing, and was open for new adventures and travels.
My peers in Poland, in turn, were expecting Baby №3 and had incurred massive debts to buy flats or something that would give them more certainty and stability in life. I’m not saying that it wasn’t good or meaningful, I’m not here to judge. But it was just so different from where I was.
Being pregnant, catholic or mortgage-positive seemed to be the standard way of living in my country, and I didn’t want any of it at the time.
Living abroad: the world becomes too big
Some of my Polish friends were happy and settled. Their life appeared cozy, meaningful, and “figured-out”, which made me jealous at times. At some point, I got fed up with overpaying for rent, living in hostel-style environments, and flatmates changing every two months.
All this made me wonder whether I made the right life choices. I felt I was lagging behind, and I wasn’t sure if I would ever catch up.
However, there were also those among my peers who divorced in their twenties. Now they were trying to figure out how to break free from their spouses, mortgage hell, or the priest’s curse.
So I had a few reasons to celebrate my freedom. I wasn’t enslaved by the responsibilities of the so-called adult life, and, with no strings attached, the world was my oyster. So liberating, right?
The problem was that the same world was too big for me. I had too many choices and I didn’t know how to overcome my choice paralysis.
Expat feelings: visiting the cemetery in Brockley, London
At times more lonely or challenging for an expat, there may come a temptation to leave everything behind and go back to what feels familiar and comfortable.
One summer day, I was visiting Brockley in South London. On that day, I discovered an old and, in my opinion, a bit ugly cemetery. The place contrasted with the well-groomed (often beautiful) cemeteries I used to visit in Poland: places of contemplation and (re)connection with our deceased loved ones.
That said, in my hometown in Poland, people knew their neighbors. They also knew where their family members’ graves were located. Visiting our local cemetery and spending a few silent moments at the graves of the deceased ones was, I’d say, something normal.
The graveyard in Brockley looked like a forgotten and sad place to me. Not that I think that cemeteries should be happy places, full of people smiling from ear to ear.
However, compared to the places of contemplation I had in mind, this one seemed to be a deserted and unwanted place that you should stay away from while alive.
Interestingly, the Brockley cemetery made me think about my life in London.
On the one hand, I was struck by a sense of abandonment lingering over the cemetery. On the other hand, I was thinking about London as an overpopulated and anonymous urban jungle.
Living abroad: what if …?
After the visit to the cemetery in London’s Brockley, I started to play the “what-if” game. Being a single expat in a foreign country, I started asking myself questions:
- What if I unexpectedly died in London: how many people would notice, and how soon?
- What if I die in London when I’m older? Who will organize my burial or cremation?
- What if a long-term illness precedes my death: will I have an emergency contact or anyone to support me physically, mentally, and emotionally?
- What will my life be like when I‘m no longer young, fit, healthy, and independent?
- Where do I want my body to be buried in the first place: in Poland or abroad?
- Do I want to stay in a foreign country for the rest of my life?
- Who am I? Or what am I?
Rarely did such questions pop into my head. It never happened just like that. But on that day, I couldn’t help but wonder. These questions and fears projected into the future made me experience some sort of identity crisis.
At that point, I saw my life going two ways: either I go back to my country and hope for more certainty, more stability, and less anonymity, or I carry on living my life abroad and hope for a miracle.
Either way, something had to change. Something had to happen. I had to make it happen. I wanted to re-establish my sense of identity and make my life less confusing and less displaced. I needed to find more direction in my life.
The expat identity crisis
A cross-cultural identity requires adaptability: I find it amazing how adaptive human beings can become when they move abroad. However, fears about who/what I’m becoming or what “the future me” will be like are common.
At some point, I started wondering about how my personality changed after living in Germany and the UK for 7 years.
For instance, in Germany, I was shy at times since I felt less confident speaking German. Furthermore, in my mind, all German native speakers seemed smarter, more knowledgeable, and better informed than I was, also due to the fact that their German language was, well, … excellent (and mine wasn’t).
As a result, I believe I was being less confident (than I normally am) and also a bit naive.
In the UK, on the other hand, a new, modified me was born. I felt comfortable adjusting my behavior to make it more “British style”. I was happy to fine-tune my style of communication and thinking.
Luckily, I didn’t undergo any significant identity transformation, but some of the people I met did.
For example, my friend from Slovakia, who described himself as an extroverted, gregarious party animal back in his country, seemed to be a very shy person in the UK due to language barrier.
This led to his frustration and low self-esteem. He sort of had two identities that were cancelling each other out, i.e. contradicting each other. Eventually, he decided to leave the UK.
Suppressing your authentic self may be confusing and even devastating, especially when you’re facing the language or cultural barrier.
That said, staying close to your true / authentic self can be difficult, but I believe it’s the only option to live a happy life in the long term.
How about you? Do you have a feeling that you’ve constructed your “expat identity”? Do you feel that your life abroad has become a theatre stage with you playing the roles you hate or don’t feel comfortable with?
I invite you to contemplate these questions or even journal about them if this is something that gives you more clarity.
Living abroad, displacement & how it may all come to an end
After a few years of living abroad, I began to feel homesick. I missed the people who were the only constant in my life: my family. I was afraid that stability and a permanent address were not on the cards for me.
I felt both stuck and willing to get UNSTUCK by frantically asking questions:
- Which place/country to choose?
- Which career path to follow?
- Should I invest in my own flat or in traveling?
- Should I change careers?
- If I decide to go back home, will I be able to pick up where I left off?
I didn’t know which country I considered my own at the time. I also suffered from a split identity, physical and cultural displacement as well as conflicting values, views, and desires.
Poland was more distant than ever before: physically & culturally. I loved the UK, but it wasn’t my home country. Sometimes I missed sharing the common cultural background and childhood experiences with people who found them familiar, who understood what I was talking about.
What helped me shift my perspective and bring more answers than questions was writing my book “The power of displacement”.
I began to better understand my situation and how living abroad impacted my life, both in positive and negative ways. This was when I started putting the puzzle together, and I felt inspired to share what I had discovered with other confused expats.
More importantly, though, I ended the endless wondering: “What if…”, “Should I stay or should I go?”.
I decided to give myself and my home country a chance. Originally, it was a test: just for 3 months… then I planned to go back to the UK. But it never happened.
Today after a few years, life is different.
So eventually, I moved back home, changed careers, and bought a flat. At the same time, I’ve been traveling widely. My life today is way different from my London life, which was more random, super chaotic, and made me feel uncertain about my future. Today my life is much more intentional.
Should you stay abroad or should you move back to your home country?
I’m not saying that returning home after living abroad is for everyone. I know people who came back home and decided to leave their home country again, for good (well, at least for now).
I believe that it doesn’t matter whether you choose to stay abroad or return to your native country. From my perspective, only one thing is important:
It doesn’t matter where as long as you live a happy and fulfilling life. You will know. That’s it.
What’s your story?
Have you experienced any inner conflicts after moving abroad?
Have you considered how you’ve changed as a person? Who have you become after living abroad?
Do you have a sense of belonging (consider your new country and your home country)? Is there a country/place you can call “home”?
Feel free to share your experiences in the comment section & good luck!
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